How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Strike

ADVICE FROM BELOW-THE-LINE

I’m not a WGA member, so when the strike hit and my glamorous TV production job evaporated I was initially furious with the writers and studio chiefs for not coming to an agreement. The studio chiefs got to keep working. The writers got to hang out together, rekindle old friendships and get some exercise on the picket lines. I, on the other hand, had absolutely nothing to do. The big agencies in town lavished the writers with delicious pizza pies, heartwarming churros, and mile-long party subs at the various studio gates. Big stars hugged and kissed them in public, and by extension YouTube. They got to sport stylish bespoke t-shirts. Meanwhile, I was stuck at home by myself in yesterday’s funky pajamas. I received no affectionate pats on the butt from Angelina Jolie and had to make do with low-fat yogurt. Quickly, though, I learned that rage combined with powerlessness leads to acid reflux, and boredom combined with powerlessness leads to abject terror about the future, then acid reflux. I had to do something. After a series of epiphanies, I came up with a list of thrilling, productive, potential ways to spend my time that I hope will comfort and inspire my fellow below-the-line employees (grips, electricians, camera people, costumers, prop masters and others) with no job prospects or marketable skills in the real world.

Go to Costco – 3-7 hours per day. It’s best only to have one or two items you need to buy. Slowly walk up and down the aisles looking at things you don’t need. Have a nutritious meal comprised of free samples. Bring sunglasses and a baseball cap to disguise yourself so you can double or triple up on these tasty morsels without provoking dirty looks from the servers. Drive home, if you still have one, only to realize you “forgot” to purchase glucosamine chondroitin. Return and repeat above steps.

Watch TV – .5-22 hours per day. Some foolish critics thought the strike would be a boon to publishers – “maybe people will pick up a book.” They were dead wrong, there’s still plenty of stuff to see other than new episodes of CSI. Aside from the endless Lucy and Andy Griffith loops, I could watch Sandra Lee and Giada De Laurentiis for hours. While my powers of imagination are honed by their tight sweaters or low-cut blouses, I get great ideas for the dinners I now have time to prepare for my working wife.

Clean House – 1 hour per day. Each morning on her way out my blushing bride is kind enough to “suggest” a task to occupy me in the hopes of reducing my malaise. Our sinks, toilets and grout lines are now brighter than the sun. You could lick peanut butter off our window sills. Our dryer, home, and entire neighborhood are completely lint-free.

Write Something – 2 hours total for duration of strike (projected). Now is a great time to work on that novel or Hollywood-insider tell-all you’ve been dreaming about. I personally revisited a short story I meant to finish in high school. After one and a half hours I gave up because Hildy was painting some old lady’s den chartreuse on Trading Spaces and I had to see what happened. But I still spent quality time doing something that I never would have done if I were working!

Read - .1-.4 hours per day. Don’t despair, this isn’t actually about the arduous task of reading. Dust off that old Henry James novel you bought three years ago at the Salvation Army thrift shop and lay down on your back in bed. For added excitement, attach your Itty Bitty Book Light. Within .1 to .4 hours you will be dead asleep for 5-11 hours, meaning you’ll end up spending at least half a day productively.

Invest Wisely – 3 hours of preparation, a lifetime of happiness. Worried about your car payment or phone bill? Call up one of your college friends who foolishly chose a boring career in finance and ask him or her for some stock tips. Plow your remaining “cushion” into whatever companies he or she suggests and watch it grow exponentially. Leave “the business” and start remodeling your new house on the Vineyard next door to Larry David or some retired former Cheers writer.

Change Careers – 6 months – 12 years. Lots of people I know who became disgruntled with showbiz even in the good old days got real estate licenses and made a killing. What the heck, right? The housing market is sure to bounce back before the strike ends. Barring that, you may have to try a bit harder but it’s never too late for business school, law school or even medical school. You probably should have earned a professional degree years ago as a safety net anyhow. At least that’s what my mother tells me.

Good luck and have fun!